stations, local trains, sweat, smiles, clasped hands to avoid getting lost in unruly crowds, auto rides, chicken in all form – chicken noodles, chicken croissants, chicken pizza, chilly chicken, chicken kababs ; playing hide and seek with the watchman, omlettes and buttered toast breakfasts; footer field, world war II conversations, sunshine, moonlight, stars, aeroplanes, eyes burning from sleep deprivation, walks in the sultry weather under the moonlight, sleeping off from 7am to 2pm, the seaside, junk, coke, bisleri, blue and red vaala lays, making recordings, lakeside sunsets, gg roof sunrises, footer field star counts, cloud shape contemplations ; bohemian rhapsody, killer queen, american pie, she will be loved, groovy kind of love, paint my love ; ‘gublu-gublu-gublu-gublu’, ‘cool-cool’, lower-lip-stuck-out-pouts ; kfc, ccd, mc donald’s, saffron and spice, kareem’s, mocha’s, natural’s, domino’s, subway, pop tate’s, sheesha’s, baghdadis, monginis, road-side-juice stalls, haji ali juice centre, railway station food stalls, staff c, gullu, maddu mess; sedimentary and igneous seasides; cloud sunsets, sea sunsets; titanic, notting hill ; stories about snakes, childhood, incidences ; google earth, firefox, media player, winamp, vlc, mplayer, fifa08, minesweeper; laughter, friendly punches, tears, pouts, walks, cross-road runs, jokes, pjs and djs ; and krishno chura petals… I)
untitled January 7, 2008Posted by moonlight in Misc.
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some clutter on my desk, some tears shed sitting there
some distant howls of lonely dogs, wind whistling through the eerie night.
i scribble words till they make no sense,
perhaps i’m waiting for someone to come make sense
i can’t go on, i simply can’t
and then, god heeds my prayers.
it is him – my neo, my saviour come
to whisk me away to far, far away
nine months on, and there are tears
tears on my keyboard
though becoming as adept to type with closed eyes
the screen burns the humour in my eyes.
typing away into the night, these million words that make up us
and yet, time and again i fail to appreciate his worth.
meaningless jokes which haunt me all night
tossing and turning, peace may not be mine
That Day in December December 17, 2007Posted by sunshine in memorable stuff, Us.
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We’d wished to see each other for what seems to be ages now, and God answered our prayers in a fashion which was least expected.
I’d waited for the day ever since she told me she’d be travelling home by the Paschim express, which passes through New Delhi, and which would give me a chance to meet her, since I would be home then. A chance to meet the love of my life. Every time I thought about it, I felt something inside. Sometimes, I found myself blushing when I visualized myself standing on the platform with the train coming in. And sometimes, I had this weird feeling. I wondered what we would do in that short span of time. It was, after all a mere 25 minutes.
At length, the day came. The day we’d been waiting for. Her train was scheduled to arrive at 10.45 am. She’d already conveyed to me her paranoia about me not making it to the station in time. And I was determined to not letting that happen. As expected, her train was behind schedule. I set out from my home well in advance, though still praying I don’t get late. Initially intending to buy her a gift, I visited two Archie’s outlets, only to find the shutters down at both places. So I decided I’d rather buy her chocolates. But in the back of my mind, I still wished I could give her something tangible. Something that would remind her of this day.
On afterthought though, I felt there could not be a better gift for her than I myself. And thus I made myself feel satisfied.
It was not much of a surprise that the bus to the station arrived as soon as I reached the bus stop; it was quite the usual thing (touchwood) for things to go our way. There weren’t any empty seats on the bus, but I wasn’t complaining in the least. I was ready to stand for half a day, if that would’ve been the need. But anyway, the bus reached the station in approximately an hour, and I stepped inside the station complex only to find out that her train had been further delayed.
Sensing an opportunity, I went to the nearby Paharganj market, and found a gift shop. There, I bought a two-piece figurine of a boy and a girl. Put together, it said “Marry me”. I knew she’d smile when she saw that. And hence I was now carrying a box of chocolates and a box containing the figurine. I wondered if people would fear I’m a terrorist or something. I hoped the police wouldn’t make me open the boxes, else the gift wrapping would be history, I’d be sad, and they’d be embarrassed. Thankfully, nothing happened, and I made my way to the platform, and stood there… waiting.
The train just wouldn’t arrive, and I was getting impatient. Impatient to meet my love, to see her for the first time. I made up my mind that whatever happens, and no matter how many people can see us, we will hug. In a chat, I’d said a flat NO to hugging. But now, as the moment came nearer, I’d changed my mind.
At length, the train pulled in. it was about 10 minutes past two. As she’d said, her coach was second from the end (all the people I’d asked said the coach she was in would be somewhere near the centre of the platform; had I believed them, we’d have lost precious time). As the train came to a halt, I was still making my way to her coach, when suddenly I saw her at the door, peering out. She spotted me immediately, and smiled. That face will remain forever etched in my memory. We waved at each other, and I made my way towards her amid the luggage that was strewn on the platform. She climbed down. And then, we were face to face. It was real. We were no more in the virtual world.
Initially, we were too confused as to what was happening. We were so intimate, but at that moment, an air of unrealism had crept in. We were still coming to terms that all this was really happening. We just smiled to each other, accompanied by a toothy “What?” every now and then. We climbed up on the coach, and she asked me to come inside so we could find some private place. But to no avail. Then we went outside again. And then again we climbed up. But this time, there was nobody near the doorway. And there we were, alone. We stood with our bodies in contact. She took my hand and kept looking at it. She placed her head on my chest. I had nothing to say, as at that moment, I had the world. I wished time would stop, and we’d remain like this forever.
Then, spontaneously, I asked her if she wanted a hug. She said yes. We hugged. And then, something I never thought we’d do on that day. I asked her if she wanted to kiss. She nodded, and I turned my head sideways. Our lips met, and I put my tongue inside her mouth. I tasted her. I still remember how she tasted. It was wonderful. She moaned for an instant; I wished I could moan as well, but we couldn’t afford to do that.
We measured our palms. Though her fingers are pudgy, we were happy to know that they fit nevertheless. For a split-second, I imagined us locking our palms as we make love. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to touch her so much. I started by caressing her face. I moved down from her nose, to her lips, to her chin, her neck, and then, finally, her chest. I felt I was in a surreal world. I’d never touched someone like this in my life before, and it was all happening before me now. Then I opened the third button of her t-shirt. The rest two were open already, and I put my hand inside. Oh, how much I wanted to touch her breasts. And as I touched them, I felt I was cleansing them from all that had left a deep wound on her soul. Then somebody arrived, and I had to take my hand out.
But the next time, there was no disturbance. I put my hand inside, under her bra, onto her right breast, and searched for her tender nipple. It was easy to locate, the soft skin suggesting my fingertips were on it. I caressed it, and it grew harder under my fingertips. It was an other-wordly feeling. She’d told me her breasts were small. I didn’t think so. And I told her that. They were perfect, and I squeezed her right breast, gently. I looked into her eyes as I did so, and I knew how much she’d been wanting me to touch her. After I took my hand out, I tried to button her up again, but my hand was trembling. I couldn’t do it. I put her hand on my chest, letting her feel my heart; it was literally racing. I was partially erect at that point.
She then put her hand on my face, and caressed it. Then she unbuttoned my shirt and put her hand on my chest. She made me feel like I was her man. It was wonderful.
At some point of time, I kissed her forehead, and her hair. I felt like doing so. I felt like just loving her. We kissed again, this time it was longer, and more passionate. When our lips parted, I took time to taste her saliva again. And then a third time, in what was supposed to be a parting kiss. It was the longest of the three, and this time, when I withdrew my tongue from her mouth, she put hers in mine. I liked it immensely. When it was over, I saw she looked down, and tasted my saliva on her lips. I knew she liked it as much as I did.
The problem was, we were in a public place. Soon, the coach attendant came to the doorway and got busy with serving food to the passengers. At that time, the train should’ve moved, but it didn’t. I was praying for it to stop for as long as possible. And so, we stood close to each other, giving a damn to what others would think. Nobody had seen us getting intimate, though. So we stood there and chatted. We were different from what we were 20 minutes ago. We were now totally comfortable with each other. We held hands, and whispered sweet nothings.
In between, we had a small boxing match (!), and also a duel in which we kicked each other’s feet (we were wearing shoes, so it was more of a shoe fight). This is us. We can be intimate at one point of time, and act childish minutes later. We fought, and we laughed. I put my finger inside her jeans, wishing to go down, but there wasn’t much privacy. She said to me, “You just wanna touch me”, and I replied, “Yeah, right. All over.”
She showed me her favourite key-ring, and also showed me how she cracked her knuckles and how flexible her pudgy fingers were. And I showed how my palm formed an arch. We were basically being little kids at that time. Nobody looking at us could’ve said that we’d kissed thrice before this.
After 55 minutes (thank God the train stopped for so long), the train finally started moving. I got down, and started walking beside the train, her hands in mine. I held them, and I didn’t wish to let go of them ever. And I told her that. As the train gathered speed, I finally had to stop, and we had to part. She looked out towards me, and we blew kisses to each other simultaneously. We amused ourselves at this, and waved each other bye. In the bus as I was returning, the Yanni composition First Touch kept playing in my mind, though I wasn’t consciously doing it. And deep within was this realization that I’d never be the same again. Platform number 4, New Delhi Railway Station, Paschim Express, Coach B4. The most unforgettable encounter of our lives. Our first date.
the culprit December 5, 2007Posted by moonlight in Friction, Journal.
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that’s me… i always end up spoiling the most beautiful things we make… and now, our first ever meeting remains but nothing as a bitter memory… i’m such an idiot… always end up tarnishing the moments we have… i’m so sorry… but don’t forgive me… it’ll be a lesson as to what kind of lover i am – a selfish idiotic one who i’m sure, doesn’t even deserve your love… but i will prove myself worthy of you…
mistake December 5, 2007Posted by moonlight in Friction, Journal.
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i don’t know why i said it… that it was ‘too fast’… i meant that for our first convo we ‘touched’ too soon… but it wasn’t wrong… i mean, there is nothing known as wrong or right… its just us and the way we are – uncurtailed and uninterrupted… unchallenged and undistorted us… just us… purely and solely us…
to be honest – i got lost in his touch… it was me who took his hand and felt my fingers intertwine with his… we savoured each moment of our touch and now all i’ve done is polluted it by saying two syllabus… it wasn’t too fast… i just thought it was retrospectively… but i was wrong when i rethought it… i wish to make things right… i wish i’d just start thinking before i speak and cause so much pain to the one who matters to me the most…
he made me feel like his woman – like i was his to hold forever and for always… in that moment, nothing could be wrong… we were just being… just being us… and oh, how i wish i could have that hour back again… o shona… i’m so sorry… please come back…
first touch December 3, 2007Posted by moonlight in Flashback, memorable stuff, Us.
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1st december 2007… i won’t ever be able to forget this day in my life… after an anxious, butterflies filled tummy punctuating the agonizing wait of nearly 8 months, i get to meet the love of my life – my shona…
the train was supposed to arrive at 10 45 am at the new delhi railway station… but we got delayed due to the fog and reached there only at 2 00 pm…poor love had to wait for so long… i was so guilty… but then, the constant calls and smss every half an hour and we knew the hour of reckoning was approaching… it was all so surreal… like a dream…
finally the train pulled into the station and i was on the lookout of a ‘darkish’ person wearing a black jacket… and there he was! waving to me with a huge smile on his face… i got down as soon as i could… the platform was so cramped with goods and also people, we couldn’t stand in peace for ten minutes… he’d brought me chocolates and a present, which i opened later… in comparison, i’d just got him a key ring… i was ashamed of getting him something so insignificant…
the scheduled stop at new delhi railway station is 25 mins, but it stopped for 55! we didn’t want the train to move at all…
we got up into the compartment… trying to find an empty cabin… but couldn’t, so moved out to the end of the cabin and closed the doors… i took his hands – feeling them… intertwining our fingers… noting that our hands do fit… looking into each others’ eyes – we couldn’t stop smiling… he looked a bit different from his pictures… but then, i knew him – his face hardly mattered… we compared the size of our hands… he touched my face… my cheeks… my nose… caressing me so lightly… so softly…
i had thought that i’d get goosebumps when his fingertips would touch my skin… but i didn’t… i was so comfortable with his touch – as if his touch was mine… that his body was a part of my own… and that there was no shame in that moment…
‘want a hug?’ he asked… i nodded… he held me close… it felt so so wonderful, to feel that i belonged to someone… ‘kiss?’ i closed my eyes… and suddenly, his lips lock onto mine… his tongue inside my mouth… his passion homogenized with mine… his warm breath on my face… his saliva mixed with mine… the smell of his aftershave on my nose… i kissed back… letting him know that we are one…
our first kiss… the first kiss of my life… i wanted to kiss him again… and we did…
‘you said you have small breasts…’ he said with his left index finger feeling the difference in ‘height’ of my breasts from my abdomen… he pulled open the only buttoned button of my t-shirt… his fingertips on my right breast… going down… till the nipple was almost in his palm… ‘they’re not small…’ ‘you sure?’ ‘i am…’ and he squeezed my breast softly… i wished he would squeeze me harder – again… he slid his fingers up from my chest… attempted to close the buttons… but couldn’t… i smiled and buttoned them up… i rubbed my finger mischievously on the front of his jeans… and we laughed… ‘i’m semi erect’
i felt his cheek… unbuttoned the first button of his shirt… kept my palm on his chest – a bit hairy but all the more manly… i kissed him on his chest… the first time i’ve ever done that to anyone… and who else could i do that to but my love… i felt so so safe…
and then… we talked… whispering sweet nothings… smiling… looking into each others’ eyes… i don’t even remember what we talked about… just something to say… and before we knew it it was 2 50… we were amazed at the amount of time we’d spent together…
we were standing, me against the wall… him barely a whisker away from me… ‘i’ve stood so close to a girl and talked to her’ ‘well, this is your girlfriend…’ i said with a twinkle in my eye… he caressed my navel… he wanted to go down… but there were too many people around… i’m sorry, i said… ‘na shona… its ok…’
and then we got into a little kiddie fighty, boxing mood… i showed him my favourite keyring… we liked the opposite sides but the inner part could be changed ;)
and then it was time to go… the train started moving and he got off… holding my hands he said ‘ i’m not letting these go… ‘ i smiled – ‘neither am i’… he walked a while until it got a bit dangerous… we waved… i peeped out after a second, caught his eye and we blew kisses at the exact same moment.. smiled at the situation, we always end up doing things simultaneously… and i waved…
that was our first meeting – our first touch in the true sense…
i came back inside – had lunch… in some privacy, i opened his present – a ‘two piece show piece’ which he said i couldn’t show ma baba…a boy and girl standing on a heart that was split midway with the girl on one half and the boy, kneeling on the other… it said ‘marry me’… i was taken aback by the message and immediately with the thought as to what i’d do with it…
i came home and kept with my books, at the back of my cabinet…
it was such a wonderful first meeting…
wanting… October 26, 2007Posted by moonlight in Poems, Us.
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You moan my name so softly
transferring shivers down my spine.
Your breath is warm touching my ear
Your lips amuse as you speak
Reminiscent of the wings of a butterfly
You nuzzle my neck ever so gently
Sending tingles shooting through my body
Educe a soft gasp from my lips
Your arms covering around me warmly
Drawing me so near, our chests touch
As you slide a finger up and down my spine
And I arch my back, almost emitting a purr
Your lips hungrily lock onto mine
Igniting flames of hot passion between us
And as our desire grows ever stronger
I feel our bodies uniting as one.
mahalaya October 12, 2007Posted by moonlight in Flashback, memorable stuff, Us.
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october 10th… 5:30am… i’d put the alarm to wake up and do my math tute… but as usual, i always tend to snooze for atleast 10 mins before i actually take the trouble of waking up… so, i’ve snoozed it for the first time and i’m almost semiconscious when i hear my cell vibrate again… i think the its the alarm again, so i’m half surprised that ten mins are up so early… when i see that its my love calling! i wonder if he’s ok ’cause he knows very well i’m not all likely to be found awake at such an hour…
so i pick up…
sunshine : hi shona… happy mahalaya…
moonlight : (i’m half conscious and i’m taken aback – as i’ve never been wished life this, ever before) oh hi… happy mahalaya… (some about the last two words sounds weird, but i can’t make out what)
so anyway, he wishes me… i wish him… i don’t have any idea what’s going on until he starts to explain to me that this is the beginning of the festival we’ve all been waiting for… all year long…
i tell him, i really have no idea what is about… as i’ve never even witnessed pujo in full flow… i don’t even know the meaning of more than one twentieth of the customs associated… i’m crying… so is he…
we hear the ‘paath’… i tell him i don’t understand it… he sings along – explaining all the lyrics he knows… i tell him my background… that how for me, as i’ve been in a convent school, i always used to have exams at that time… i’ve never been involved in pujo… pujo for me is about new clothes, going crazy with my friends back home, food, and fun… i’ve never understood the rituals, the meaning of every thing involved in it… by this time, i’m crying… crying so hard, as i’m so ashamed of my ignorance, that he has to ask me to repeat all of my sentences as they’re drowning in my crying…
he tells me about his association with pujo… what it means to him… and especially why this pujo is even more important… he’d missed last year’s pujo – he was in bed with jaundice – and i know it was a very trying time for him… just to understand the pain, i burst out in tears on hearing is position when he was conveying to me his experience of those 3 months…
he explains to me the ceremonies… the significance of all the words said ( i don’t understand sanskrit, nor pure bangla – so my interest in all this was all the more low ) he deciphered the words so beautifully i was apalled at how i managed to stay away from our intriguing culture all this while… i was so ashamed… and at the same time, i was so happy… so happy that i was with him… with my love… and that our love involved appreciating our heritage… our culture….
but even more importantly… this is our first pujo… it was our first mahalaya… and it was enchanting… we talked till seven… all the time so so incredibly thankful to God…
can’t put it to words anymore… i’m lost in his words… i’m lost in that morning… i’m lost in that beautiful morning…
come here boy… October 9, 2007Posted by moonlight in Misc.
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Its dark in here
Visions are flashing into my head
As I reminisce
My reoccuring dreams and you said
Im falling, falling for you babe,
And my feelings are gettin stronger,
So why dont you stay with me for a
For a little longer
Come here boy,
Oh come here boy,
Come here boy
Oh come here boy
I know that my face
Is only too familiar to your sleep
I can see it in your eyes
I can tell by your body heat
Why are you taking so long
You need to come and find me, honey
To set your mind at rest
And let your dreams run free.
You know, Im no stranger in your dreams
Im craving Im howling Im begging and pleading
Be mine tonight
Oh and Im waiting Im dying, Im wanting and needing
To show you a night
Where Ill be touching and holding caressing and giving you
Your every fantasy
Ill get you dreaming and lusting burning and praying
For more of this ecstasy.
eleven… September 14, 2007Posted by moonlight in memorable stuff, Us.
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seriously? what is with us and the number 11?
- we met on 11th april this year…
- 11th april is the 101st day of the year (11 again in the digits)
- dad stays in room 141 of his hostel currently… that’s 4 in the middle (april is the 4th month) of 11
- mum stays in room 115 of her hostel currently… again 11 in the digits…
- mum’s registration number in her hostel mess is 121 ( that’s eleven squared, right? )
- also… the time at which dad proposed to mum was 11:44 pm…
- and well, somehow, mum had asked dad to read ‘eleven minutes’ in their early conversations…
we just simply love calling each other up on special dates at 11:11… generally its pm and sometimes even am…
somehow, 11 has had a very big role to play in our lives… we think of it is one and one together become one… two become one…
d(freq)/dx < 0 ? September 14, 2007Posted by moonlight in Journal, Misc.
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the thing is, both mum and dad have been busy… mum with her exams and dad’s exams are looming 10 days away… hence, dear LJ, we are so sorry we weren’t able to give you as much attention… but now, mum’s exams are over! and mum is gonna give you lots and lots of attention… :D
by the way, did you know that our LJ turned a whole 121 days old yesterday? my my! such a big girl!
100 days August 24, 2007Posted by sunshine in Misc.
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Yesterday, our relationship turned a hundred days old. A hundred days of pure love.
In this while, we’ve started to understand each other, our feelings, our emotions, our needs. We’ve torn away the facades we maintain in front of others to show each other our innermost selves. We’ve crossed all limits, shattered all barriers, broken all rules and made our love successful.
love is… August 19, 2007Posted by moonlight in Thoughts.
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a relationship is not only about all the love and intimacy and mushy stuff… it’s also about knowing your love’s saddest moments, his worst fears, his deepest lies, his innermost thoughts… it’s about understanding his most untouched feelings, his angriest moments…
its about seeing him, not only in love… but in every other emotion possible…
Combat August 19, 2007Posted by sunshine in Friction.
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A couple of days ago, we had our second fight. We’d rather not talk about the reason that triggered it (honestly, I’m not even sure what it was; any idea, Moonlight?). But we do know we fought like anything.
We feel so much for each other, and the emotional bonding is so intense, that our fights also turn into pitched battles. And then, we forget we’re so close. I went to the point of suggesting we stop calling each other for a month, and keep it confined to mails. Come to think of it, I was literally rude to her. But at that time, I didn’t really care if I was being rude. I was outright angry at her. Recollecting it now, I feel guilty I did that.
As for what happened next, maybe Moonlight should take over this post from here…
the relevance of being there… August 18, 2007Posted by moonlight in memorable stuff, Us.
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what exactly does it mean? does it mean that you understand every word and emotion of your love, or does it mean that even if you don’t understand it, you make a conscious effort to do so?
one of the most heard phrases in relationships is ‘being there’ for each other… i differ… it’s not only being there, it should be something like, ‘i am here, with you, for you…’
i think this a side of our relationship that sounds absurd but we always say that we are with each other… to someone outside, that sounds weird… how can two people who’ve never even met and are situated miles from each other even believe in that statement, let alone say it…
but we mean it – with our hearts and souls… i don’t know what i’d do without my sunshine… i have no one other than him who understands me so much… no matter what, we’ll always come back…
sunshine: To be honest, I think ‘being there’ is one of the most important parts of a functional relationship, which many take for granted. Saying mushy stuff is cute, but it isn’t enough. Your love needs to know there’s someone out there who really cares, who feels, who understands.
This is one of the most fundamental aspects of our relationship. We say kiddie stuff, mushy stuff, naughty stuff; but there are instances when we turn serious, and make each other feel we’re together. We want to understand each other (and end up doing a pretty good job), because there isn’t anybody else.
True, to the outside world, it might sound absurd. But we know that this doesn’t compare with the other things we share. We acknowledge the fact that we’re unique in every way. Thay might sound a tad egotistical, but it’s true nevertheless.
We cry to each other. Why? Because we feel safe to show oursleves, in a way the world has never seen us. Because we know we won’t be judged when we’re with each other. Because we know we understand each other. Because we know we’re with each other.
Yes, we’ll always come back to each other. And someday, we’ll be forever. Someday.